4′ High and Rising

I have been working on this master blog exploring the depths of grams per calories in different foods, but it’s taking too long, as I have to find the ratios of all the foods, then analyze my results, that I won’t be able to blog about it today. So instead, inspired by Jason’s tale of a creature encounter, I have decided to share my own epic about my cheek, a virus, and mining truck of pain.

So it was Tuesday night and Kate ’s tummy was a grumbling. A brief glance through our nearly bare cupboards revealed a sorry collection of squid-ink pasta, canned garbanzo beans, and a dusty box of organic butternut squash soup. Actually butternut squash soup doesn’t really give it justice, it was more like butternut baby spit-up. Maybe Kate is baby crazy, or squid-ink pasta isn’t edible, regardless Kate chose the squash water. I popped the plastic top, pealed away the foil covering, had my body possessed by a demon, and then stuck out my tung to lick the foil seal and felt the small foil tap cleanly cut through my tong, opening a fountain of blood. Not so bad you would think, just another tounge gash-mouths heal fast. No sooner had the gash stopped bleeding, I start to feel a tingling sensation erupt from my upper lip.

Just before bed a painful lump began to grow on the inside of my cheek (please see illustration). Before long it was the size of Rhode Island growing its way up to Texas. Fortunately the pustule had formed on my upper lip so when it was finally reached its maximum hight, two feet taller than the Eiffel Tower, the painful tip rested neatly on my teeth. Any facial movement brought on so much pain I usually ended up floor bound in fetal positions begging for death. Any time the pustular would move across my teeth, white pain shot through my body. Also fortunately for me, Kate likes to grab my face and cheeks and shake them. So you can imagine how fun this last week has been.

After much research I conclude it was not a pustule or boil, but the largest canker sore ever seen. Its been a week and the canker sore has been downgraded to yellow. The pain has ended and I have survived with little more than a superficial scar.